I do believe this is going to be my final post. I find myself becoming stressed out over the idea of writing a post. I find myself waffling on what my “focus” should be. Then, a few days ago, I was talking to someone about how I fell smack dab in between two worlds. The conversation was something like this,
“I know folks that are consumers, and not environmentally conscience. I know folks that follow the suggestions of “institutions” over research and common sense in the raising of their children. Then, I have those that I know that are so crunchy and environmentally green that they are vegan, no toilet tissue (cloth if you need to know) using, no vaccination homeschoolers. Quite a range I know, but I like that in my life. It helps keep me balanced in knowing that I am making changes, even if I am not where I want to be yet. I love to be kept thinking.”
Then a few days later, when I was trying to narrow down what my next post was going to be, I realized that I couldn’t keep it up. I read great blogs (see the blogroll) of persons who “specialize” in areas I am interested in. I can keep up on politics, home schooling, living plastic free, recycling, simple living, and even how to make a great party drink! There are folks out there keeping me informed on issues I want to stay abreast of, such as GLBT issues, mental health issues, and empowerment to homebirth and breastfeeding advocacy.
Then, there are my friends. The reason I started this. We all wound up all over the country, with my in-laws in England, it was to be to keep in touch. Well, the folks in England didn’t use it for that, and most of us here in the states are now so busy raising our kids, that we have little blog time. We catch up in quick phone calls, and online chats. I love reading your blogs and knowing what is going on with your lives, and I love watching your kids grow. I want to provide that, but being a single mom now, I just have to give some things up, and this blog is going to be one of them.
Maybe one day, I will pick it up again, with a focus. But for now, it is time to say goodbye. I have mixed feelings of relief and sadness at this decision, but I know it is for the best. So, thank you all for your love and support, and keep up the great work on all your blogs! And think of me every time you laugh at http://icanhascheezburger.com/
Peace love and namaste!
From my cold weather friend at Road to Home, I have been tagged! Get ready to be bored by my dullness~
Four jobs I’ve had:
1. After school program cordinator based out of University of Arkansas at Little Rock
2. Classroom assistant (5 year olds) in mainstream setting working on augmentative communication
3. Case manager for non-verbal children and adults in care of the state
4. Full time Mom!
Four places I lived:
2. Little Rock
4. Little Rock
Four movies I’ve watched over and over:
1. Taps (many moons ago)
2. Dune (did I mention I watched movies in High School)
Four shows I watch:
3. CSI NY
4. CSI Miami
Four places I’ve been:
Four people who e-mail me regularly
2. Viking P
Four favorite things to eat:
4. Squeaky and fried cheese (in winter)
Four places I’d rather be:
1. With Shana.
2. With Christy
Four things I look forward to this new year:
1. Becoming stronger and more independent mentally.
2. Watching how my kids grow and develop!
3. Getting a new government in place.
4. Becoming stronger and more fit.
Four people to tag:
Shana (has already been tagged)
Christy (tagged me)
Reiza (cause she doesn’t have enough to do)
And Alice (cause she is a groovy gal)
I saw a link to this video over at Shakespear’s Sister
and I was totally cracking up! As a few of you know, one of my majors in college was American Sign Language, and this was one of those classic jokes that we learned way back then. It is so cool to see it in such a mainstream kind of way.
Seeing it, I was reminded of several videos I have recently found involving ASL and I thought I would share them. Anyone else have a favorite?
One for some fun “mimey” sign,
Another for a serious message,
I am glad to report that things are starting to “normalize” around here. We have a routine, we are all getting used to how the visitation thing works, and the Former and I seem to be getting along as well as can be expected. As soon as I say this, I am sure something will go wrong, but what the heck, I could always use more adventure, right?So, without further delay, I bring you some fun stuff we have done.Lemme start with the most exciting activity, Eagle watching, on a barge. Yup. You read right. I actually had to go find the kids some warm clothes, like ski bib, heavy coats, and insulated boots, cause it decided to get cold here, the coldest day of the week on the day we were heading out on a barge tour on a lake! It was predicted to be between 30 and 40 F (that is 0-4 for you Celsius folks) and that is just freaky cold! I did manage to find us all something warm and water proof to wear, and we headed out on the lake at 11am. We were at Lake Maumelle ( http://www.arkansas.com/lakes-rivers/lake/id/49/ ) for those of you familiar with these parts, and the tour was being held by our favorite Park Interpreter from Pinnacle Mountain ( http://www.arkansasstateparks.com/pinnaclemountain/) .
The water that splashed over the bow immediately froze, and showered those behind with ice. It was cold. Karma Boy was so bundled that he just looked like cheeks and eyes over his life vest. Karma Girl had a great time counting all the Eagles! She really impressed us all with her math skills as she just kept adding and adding, even after the birds had been counted, she kept adding.
We saw a total of 17 Eagles in their natural habitat, including a beautiful mature specimen with the full white head ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eagle )! We were also able to add some ducks, loons, seagulls, and Canada Geese to our bird watch book. It was a blast! When it was done, we headed over to the Pinnacle Mountain Visitor’s Center to listen to a speaker who does Raptor rehabilitation. He brought several birds for us to see, and it was so cool to see these birds of prey so up close.
For the close of the presentation, we were invited to be a part of a release of rehabbed owl. The owl had other ideas and decided it wasn‘t ready to go back to the wild so it wound up heading back home for some more rehab, but it was still really cool to see.
So, I guess you could say that things is looking up both for us, and the flesh eating birds!
It has been almost a week now. He moved on Friday morning.
He was up extra early, and seemed as excited as they come. I went to the grocery store quickly, and while I was gone, he told the kids that he was moving that day. It was the first time he told them he had found a place. He couldn’t wait to get to the apartment complex and sign his papers. As soon as he got back, he began to pack. He even had the kids helping him. I had asked him not to make me watch him move, but he did. It was like having my heart ripped out all over again. I am crying now just typing it, even though it has been days since I cried. He was moved by that afternoon, and me and the kids were on our own. Over the weekend, we had to tweak how the visitation was going to work as we kept finding details that we had not thought of discussing prior to the move.
The kids seem to actually be handling it all very well, much better than I expected. Karma Girl breaks down mostly when it is time for her father to leave again. She just doesn’t understand. Heck! I Don’t even fully understand, so how could anyone expect the kids to?
I have been surprised at how easy running the house has actually been. Seems now that when I clean something, say the kitchen cabinets, when I come back in the room, they are still clean! There is no messy man leaving bread crumbs and coffee spills every where he goes. That is kinda nice. We are in a good routine that seems to keep us all busy enough that we are not moping to much, again mainly after visits. I am trying to get to bed earlier and earlier each night as I am just worn out at the end of the day. It is trying to keep up with the kids 24-7. Despite my best efforts, my hands are dry and cracked from washing kids, dishes, clothes, and cleaning. Luckily, I was able to take the bandage off from my self “near finger removal” efforts with the carving knife a few weeks ago. It appears that everything is healing fine with very little nerve damage. Yeah for me. Another great scar, another boring story behind it.
I am still amazed at the number of visitors and phone calls I am getting from the locals! I realized that it is kinda what folks do after a death, they show up, and know there is nothing they can do to make it better so they are just there for ya. I can be tiring fielding so many phone calls a day, and so many visitors, but at least it keeps all our spirits up knowing we are loved. Thanks again to all you blogland folks out there sending your well wishes! I really believe we are gonna make it through all this just fine.
I meant to blog sooner, but on Thursday night, the night before the Former was to move, my computer died. I am lucky that I have the most awesome Viking Computer God on my side as he came for an in-home rescue the next morning. The computer was not to be fixed so he had to take it to the Domicile of the Gods to lay some knowledge upon it. Lucky for me, The Great Viking was returning a computer that I had asked him to clean up so I could donate it. He managed to connect me to the old hard drive so that I could have internet access during the time it took to resurrect the dead one. I had no info saved in this one, so I have been in “read only” mode since then. He managed to install a new power thingy into my dead computer and shock it back to life! Yeah to the Viking Gods! Then, because he has to be truly great, he brought it to my home and spent the afternoon hooking me back up, making sure everything is working and even helped me connect a new printer/scanner/fax machine given to me by a neighbor when she upgraded. It is good to have the technology back! It is good to have friends that call you daily, and check on you. It is good to know that someone is willing to watch your kids if you get overwhelmed with your reality. It is good to have a Viking! I will post more on the move later, but for now, go hug a Viking!
Staying healthy is something I mentioned in the previous post as to something I am trying to do to get me through all this. The big stuff is easy enough to know you need to do, it is making yourself do it that can be so hard. So, the standard stuff is good, such as seeing my Psychologist, trying to get enough sleep and attempting to stay positive. It is the other weird little “hippy” things I have added in that actually seem to be making the largest impact.
Cleaning out the clutter
This was covered in the previous post but it is also shown to help calm the mind and ease depression when one is in a clean and uncluttered environment.
I know that I certainly feel better when the house is clean and fresh. Little things like letting in some fresh air during the day helps a lot.
Using natural cleaners and fragrances
This helps to keep the toxins out of the house and I can use the essential oils to help boost or calm my mood as needed.
I also went out and got me a Neti Pot
While I have only been using mine for a few days now, I think I am already beginning to feel a difference in my chronically infected sinuses.
Thanks to my good friend in Wisconsin for turning me on to this! For those nights that I am just having a hard time sleeping, I can take one and ease on off! It really helps with that good night sleep stuff!
Drinking lots of water
I don’t think I need to include a link to why one must stay hydrated, we all do know that. The problem has been remembering to drink water during the day. I often forget to take the time to drink it till the kids are down for the night, then I am up all night running to the potty! I have cracked down on myself in that department and am feeling better in that I am not as thirsty, I retain less water, and my skin is softer. I couldn’t ask for much more in that department! Yeah for water and trying to stay healthy!
I have been getting ready for the move day by cleaning out the house. I am planning that by having no extra clutter, no projects waiting to be done, and no “I really wanted to learn a new craft with that” life will be more simple. I also have been getting rid of all the Former’s stuff. Anything I associate with him or his family has been packed up to go with him. If he doesn’t want it, it has gone to Goodwill or been Freecycled (http://www.freecycle.org/)
This will hopefully help keep me from breaking into tears when I see something we got together, or bursting out with negative thoughts about how his family has treated me when I see some item they imparted on us as a gift.
I also went and got new bedroom linens, a bed quilt, some new towels and bathmats. I removed all the old pictures from the walls and the kids and I have been making original works of art to hang on the walls. I have been putting them up using the ideas of Fung Shui to keep the energy positive.
I feel so contradictory in many of these items. I feel like should make them myself, or find them at Savers, or even better, to make due with what I have. I did manage to get all the items on terrific clearance sales, and they are of good quality so should last a long time. The other upside to this buying new is that there is no negative energy associated with them. I plan to do a through cleansing of the home when the move is complete. From what I have been learning about how to do this, it seems like it could be a good thing to do for anyone who is feeling stressed or down in your home or office.
And then, the final step will be to do a good smudge for the whole house, and myself.
There is only one more important thing that I must take care of, and that is my health. I am trying to eat better, exercise more, and get more sleep. I am hopeing that by doing those things, my stress level will drop, my energy go up, and I can be more focused on helping the kids deal with the emotions they are facing with their daddy leaving.
Thank you all for your kind words of support during all this stuff. Many of you have called me, e-mailed me, IMed and one of you even sent a card! I received a fantastic gnome journal that I can write about it in, I just can’t seem to put anything unhappy on pages with fantastic gnomes! It really has helped to know that others are there with me scratching their heads as much as I am on all this.
The Former has spent all these weeks kinda searching for an apartment, and now he has found one that he is comfortable with and that he can afford. He will be moving within the week.
The kids are doing a little better with it all, but I think when he is totally gone, the issues will come up again. There has been packing up of items to go with him, and some things I just had to give him because they make me either cry or get angry when I look at them. That is kinda how I have been spending my time, between crying and being angry.
I keep writing paragraphs and deleting them, cause to the outsiders, heck!, to those that know him, his behavior is so different that he is like a different person, and that just can’t be conveyed in writing. So many of the things he is doing, when written down, look even worse. He is seeing his Psychologist twice a week now, and is taking some meds. I am not sure they are helping him. In fact, they may be making some things worse. He is supposed to talk to his Psychiatrist about this, but I don’t know if he will. Once of the effects seems to be compulsive lying. I can never tell when he is telling the truth about even the most mundane things. Whenever he has any money now, he blows through it very quickly and there is no evidence where it has gone. These are just the two biggest of the compulsive behaviors. They are also the most worrisome.
So, I just spend my days now trying to prepare for the big day when he is officially gone. I have cleaned out every bit of “extra” stuff in the house, and organized the rest. This will make it easier when it is just the three of us. I have had to give up all crafting for now, even though I really wanted to make me some warm winter socks (it got COLD here this week). I keep the kids busy, and they continue their schooling. Both are doing fantastic in all their studies, and they are having plenty of play time. They are my main concern at this time. I even had to go so far as to ask an attorney friend to help us draw up a Separation Agreement. With the current state of mind, and unpredictable behavior of the Former, I worry that he will find him a guy, and forget about us. This just helps me feel a little more secure about the kid’s future. So, that is the basics of what all is going on, and hopefully soon, I will be able to start up on some happier notes as things begin to look up for us all. After all, 2008 has got to be better than 2007. Right?
That would be me.
Not long after the last post of trying to decide where to go with the blog, the man formally known as Karma Hubby decided that he does not want to live here any more.
You know we had some problems in Spring, and have been working on them since. We had just celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary, and had been together for 12 years. I have been seeing a therapist at least once a week, sometimes twice, so that I could look at what parts I play in our communications issues. Believe it or not, I have faults! Now, pick yourself up, it is true, and I am trying to address them. I plan to continue to go.
The Former was seeing someone, the whole time he was having his identity issues, but he did not share them with her. Then, when the stuff hit the fan, he changed to another therapist, but eventually he just kinda quit making and going to his appointments. I think he has seen him once in the last 9 weeks. So, things have been getting worse on his end, and this is how it is coming out. He wants to leave. He can’t tell me why. Or when he does, it is one reason one day, and another the next. He is living in the room upstairs that we had built for when his family would come to stay, so they would have a nice room. It is apart from us only by a set of stairs. Problem is, he is always out looking for an apartment, so it is like he is not here and I have already had to start adjusting to being a “single mom.”
He told me of his plans and five minutes later he was telling the kids. Karma Boy, being 4, doesn’t understand, but Karma Girl, 6, does. She cried all day. I did too. The boy played. This has been going on for a week now. He kept explaining to her that he was looking for apartments, and this has not been helping. I keep telling her that she will be able to see him anytime he is available and reminding her that he will always be her Daddy. She has become extremely insecure about her place in the world and with us and that is manifesting in lots of crying and clinging. She asks many questions, such as, “who is going to take care of me when my brother is at speech therapy?” It just breaks my heart. The boy has just been super clingy and has gone back to crawling into my bed at night. Right now I am letting him. He seems to need to be in contact with me at all times. I try to save my complete breakdowns for when the kids are out of sight, maybe playing in another room, or after they have gone to bed. I have cried so hard that every muscle in my body hurts and I can barley walk.
I don’t know what is going to happen from here. He says he plans for me to stay in the house and continue to home school the kids. We sat down and tried to figure out if I could get a job on the opposite of his schedule, but his schedule changes from week to week, and many times he works weekends. We talked about sending the kids to school so I could work while they are there and he agrees that that would only add financial strain as there will always be sick days, and days the school is closed, and we don’t have childcare. We have no family here in the city, and both of my best girlfriends have moved up North.
I haven’t been able to sleep from worry about the money, and what will happen next, and with the kids up and down all night, I am tired and in desperate need of a break, but it ain’t gonna happen. I have spent so much time working on making this relationship better, and not going out, that I now have no one to go out with. It only makes it worse that this is happening at Christmas time. It certainly takes the joy out, but I am trying, for the kids sake, so the tree is up and lit, and we drive around at night looking at the lights and listening to carols on the radio.
I am not sure how much blogging I will be doing, as I have even less time than before to do things just for me.
So, if you are feeling overwhelmed this holiday season, just be glad that you don’t have to deal with two small kids whose father has decided to leave. Sigh.