Crazy update

July 1, 2007 at 6:11 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 6 Comments

Cause I know you all have been waiting for the other shoe to drop, so, duck and cover!Twelve years ago, I met Mr. Karma in an Irish bar here in the city. We dated for two years, then got married. We eloped to Hawaii and got married by a Samoan priest under a raintree, on a beach, at sunset. That was March 15th, 1997. So, we just celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary! Our beautiful Karma kids are 6 and 3 years old. They love their father! He is helpful, kind, he plays with them and is very involved in their lives. Around the house he is a partner in chores, and is the main provider of money as I get to stay at home with my children and home school them. He has never been rude or gruff with me. He has never cussed at me, or hit me. Same with the kids. He sounds like the perfect husband doesn’t he? The only complaint I have had (a real one anyway) is that we have no sex life. It was kinda lame at best, but after the vasectomy he claimed impotence and it was over. Now, I would never leave my husband for something like that. After all, it isn’t his fault, is it? I wouldn’t leave him for anything as trivial as that. So, life plugs along with all outward appearances of the perfectly happy home.Imagine my surprise then, when on May 24th I went to look up “garden party” on my computer and found pages of links to gay sex. My poor Mr. Karma has no idea that there is such thing as an “auto fill” or a “search history” on the computer, so he had never even thought to erase his year long dive into the gay community, and I had never thought to check up on him. There was not only gay porn, but personals, chat rooms, and singles lines that he had been frequenting. I was absolutely shocked and surprised and waited till I caught my breath and called him at his office (he had just left for work and hour before) and asked him about it. He immediately admitted it, apologized, and told me he had never wanted me to find out this way. I was absolutely floored. My whole life had just come to a screeching halt and I had no idea what to do.

Since that time, we have been through a lot. He has seen his Psychologist on this issue (he had been seeing her for 18 months, but had never mentioned any of this stuff to her prior to this appointment), I have been trying to find one that takes our insurance, and we have just been going over what we are going to do and how we are going to handle it with the kids. Mr. Karma has been back and forth, but has now decided to “be gay.” This means that the closet games are over, and I can quit looking like a distant wife when we are out. I am glad that the wait is over and that we can now get on with how we can best handle this for the kids.

I still love Mr. Karma, I married him for better or worse, and this is worse. He has my full support in his new lifestyle, and the kids will never be denied him. When he finds a partner, that man will also be welcome to be a part of my children’s lives. I hope it will be someone I can handle having over for dinner and such. Mr. Karma is still living here in the Karma home, he is just “happening” to be falling asleep on the couch a lot, or have already “gotten up” when the kids get up, and that is why they find him in there. We have decided that he will move up to the new room upstairs so he can be close to all of us. I don’t want him to go out in the world on his own and have to deal with all the changes he is going to have to deal with. I am selfish, I want him here because he is such a great father, and he is feeling a little guilty now so he is trying to be even more helpful to me! Financially this is also the smart thing to do. It could be a long time before he meets someone he wants to have a life with, even share a place, so he isn’t wasting money on extra rent and utilities till then. It really seems a win-win, but when I wake up, it may not feel so much like it.

I am super hurt that I have been deceived all this time, and I hate that the life I had envisioned for the kids and I has suddenly vanished. I am hanging on the best I can, and hope to find a psychologist/ psychiatrist that is taking patients, and will accept my insurance. I am on no meds, but I seem to be doing OK with that. I hope that I am able to handle this in a healthy fashion with as little hurt on those around us as I can. The hardest part is that I am trying to be all that for both my kids and Mr. Karma, but I really don’t have anyone here that can do that for me.

Any advice on how to deal is welcome! I love you all, and thank you for you patience with me during these last few weeks when it has been all crazy. Peace out!

For the record, he knows I am writing this, and has read and approved of this message. We are now back to a family of no more secrets.

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6 Comments »

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  1. “…no more secrets” does this mean the kids know now?

    We’ll catch up when we get back!

  2. No, we have not told the kids yet, we are waiting to get some professional advice, and are going to hit the library on ways to deal with that aspect. It is so weird, I have taught my kids to be loving and accepting of all LGBT persons, so that is not an issue. It is kinda like we are getting a divorce, but since he is still here, its not. I hope that we can give the kids enough love and show them how much we still care for each other that they will come through this OK.

  3. In my line of work I see this alot. It is so tragic for the couple, my heart goes out to you both. It is good that you are seeking professional help. I have seen couples who love each other continue in their union for the children’s sake, while others separate as soon as possible. The best advice I can give you is to listen to your own heart and mind.

  4. For what its worth, I don’t think either of you need to discuss your sex lives with your kids to maintain a no-secrets family. 🙂 I’ve been thinking of you all day and plan to write you a personal email soon. Wishing all of you the best as you navigate this difficult situation with grace. ~Jackie

  5. Aww man…what a shocker.
    I adore how you are able to be so honest
    about this and your feelings and so compassionate
    to your husband. You are a good person.
    I’ll be thinking of you ALL throughout this time.

  6. I am really sorry. I hope you are able to work things out in a way that will be good for the kids but also good for you both. Your forbearance and patience are remarkable. Good luck with the shrink. Though as someone who has been in an out of therapy over the years, the first one might not work for you. If whoever you start with is just not working don’t be afraid to move on until you find someone who can help you deal with your situation.

    I’ll be thinking about you and all my best wishes will be heading your way.


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