Single Mom of Two

December 15, 2007 at 4:49 pm | Posted in Personal | 20 Comments

That would be me.

Not long after the last post of trying to decide where to go with the blog, the man formally known as Karma Hubby decided that he does not want to live here any more.

You know we had some problems in Spring, and have been working on them since. We had just celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary, and had been together for 12 years. I have been seeing a therapist at least once a week, sometimes twice, so that I could look at what parts I play in our communications issues. Believe it or not, I have faults! Now, pick yourself up, it is true, and I am trying to address them. I plan to continue to go.

The Former was seeing someone, the whole time he was having his identity issues, but he did not share them with her. Then, when the stuff hit the fan, he changed to another therapist, but eventually he just kinda quit making and going to his appointments. I think he has seen him once in the last 9 weeks. So, things have been getting worse on his end, and this is how it is coming out. He wants to leave. He can’t tell me why. Or when he does, it is one reason one day, and another the next. He is living in the room upstairs that we had built for when his family would come to stay, so they would have a nice room. It is apart from us only by a set of stairs. Problem is, he is always out looking for an apartment, so it is like he is not here and I have already had to start adjusting to being a “single mom.”

He told me of his plans and five minutes later he was telling the kids. Karma Boy, being 4, doesn’t understand, but Karma Girl, 6, does. She cried all day. I did too. The boy played. This has been going on for a week now. He kept explaining to her that he was looking for apartments, and this has not been helping. I keep telling her that she will be able to see him anytime he is available and reminding her that he will always be her Daddy. She has become extremely insecure about her place in the world and with us and that is manifesting in lots of crying and clinging. She asks many questions, such as, “who is going to take care of me when my brother is at speech therapy?” It just breaks my heart. The boy has just been super clingy and has gone back to crawling into my bed at night. Right now I am letting him. He seems to need to be in contact with me at all times. I try to save my complete breakdowns for when the kids are out of sight, maybe playing in another room, or after they have gone to bed. I have cried so hard that every muscle in my body hurts and I can barley walk.

I don’t know what is going to happen from here. He says he plans for me to stay in the house and continue to home school the kids. We sat down and tried to figure out if I could get a job on the opposite of his schedule, but his schedule changes from week to week, and many times he works weekends. We talked about sending the kids to school so I could work while they are there and he agrees that that would only add financial strain as there will always be sick days, and days the school is closed, and we don’t have childcare. We have no family here in the city, and both of my best girlfriends have moved up North.

I haven’t been able to sleep from worry about the money, and what will happen next, and with the kids up and down all night, I am tired and in desperate need of a break, but it ain’t gonna happen. I have spent so much time working on making this relationship better, and not going out, that I now have no one to go out with. It only makes it worse that this is happening at Christmas time. It certainly takes the joy out, but I am trying, for the kids sake, so the tree is up and lit, and we drive around at night looking at the lights and listening to carols on the radio.

I am not sure how much blogging I will be doing, as I have even less time than before to do things just for me.

So, if you are feeling overwhelmed this holiday season, just be glad that you don’t have to deal with two small kids whose father has decided to leave. Sigh.